The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Here I am. Send me…

I’m sure a lot of my Facebook friends are wondering why the cryptic messages and prayer requests. This is a very hard thing to talk about and I’m begging you to read onward with your heart wide open. Please don’t be quick to judge my brother. He has a beautiful heart and I am so very very sad that myself and our family have not gotten to see it for a very long time. 

For the past 2 years he has built walls against us. Talk, scary spiky walls that can only be taken down by Gods grace. We don’t know what we might have done to cause him to harden his heart against us. I especially haven’t been given the opportunity to hear anything from him. He has blocked me and shut me out. 

Long story short, here I sit. 

I’m waiting on Colorado on his doorstep until he comes home.  Several weeks ago I got on my knees and begged God to help this situation and to heal my broken heart and to use me as a vessel for His plan. 

Last week I heard His voice loud and clear telling me to go. At first I didn’t bat an eye. I knew I had to find a way to follow His command. And the past 36 hours have been so scary and hard. I traveled 800 miles by myself to see someone who probably doesn’t even want to see me. I kept asking God the entire flight why me?  I’m not strong or powerful or worthy of such a task. His voice has been very clear that yes, I indeed am. All along the way He has shown me his many promises. 

The first one came in the form of a song. As it usually does because music is such a huge part of my life. I caught wind that Kylle had recorded backgrounds and some instrumental for an album on iTunes. I immediately downloaded it and the first song is titled “How I Need You”. Now I know that song was originally written talking about someone needing God but I heard Kylle’s voice crisp and clear. I truly feel he needs us and may not know how to reach out anymore for whatever reasons. 

Yesterday at 6:00 am I had to check in for my flight and once I did, it gave me my boarding pass. My flight was #1984 and my gate was #33. I was born in 1984 and I am 33 years old. That was absolutely not a coincidence. God was speaking to me in numbers. 

Today I visited his house numerous times and he was not home. I felt defeated and lost. I questioned God once again as to why He would send me all this way for this to happen. I went on a trail hike and prayed. 


It was gorgeous by the way. I begged God to send me more signs. I was expecting a moose or something big to just walk out of the grass. But nothing happened. I waited an hour and still nothing. But His voice kept resonating in my ear “God keeps his promises”. As I walked out of the trail feeling very isolated and vulnerable i came across a huge area of daisies that I hadn’t seen before. Field daisies are my absolute favorite flower. God winked when I picked one up and carried it with me. 


God keeps his promises. I decided to make one more trip today to Kylle’s house. I didn’t know what I’d do when I got there. I figured he wouldn’t be home. But guess what was right across the road from his house? 4 beautiful deer…a daddy, momma and 2 smaller ones. 

The picture isn’t the most perfect but that’s ok. God sent those deer to me to send me a message. If you know me well, you might have heard the many stories about God sending me deer. I blogged about at least one of them further back if you’d like to read it.

 Anyway, here I sit. My face is red and flushed from crying so much and lack of sleep. I feel like my appearance is a road map for where I’ve been these past 36 hours. So thank you to everyone who has been praying. I don’t know Gods plan. I may or may not get any answers out of this trip. But what I do know is that my faith is stronger because of it. Faith over fear my friends. ❤️❤️❤️

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Diet To Go experience 

So a few weeks ago I was contacted by a super sweet lady from Diet To Go. She asked if I would like to try some of their meals. I researched the company and noticed that they had low carb options. The reviews looked great so I decided to give it a try. 

I had never tried a meal subscription plan before and I wasn’t sure what to expect. I thought maybe it would be a few nasty freezer meals in aluminum foil that I had to heat in the oven from the 80s. Boy was I wrong! First off, let me start by saying that these meals FAR exceeded my expectations! 

They came shipped in a cooler type package with ice packs and were cold when I got them. 


Some of the meals included were:

Tuscan Chicken, creamed spinach with red pepper and green beans

Mediterranean egg casserole, chicken sausage and vegetables

Baked Cajun salmon, cream sauce, asparagus and broccoli

Chicken Roma with pine nuts, Swiss chard and seasoned cauliflower 

Teriyaki flat iron steak, wasabi cauliflower mash, broccoli and fajita veggies and 

Tuna salad, carrots and provolone cheese chunk 

Spinach and pepper quiche, green beans and sausage link

Chicken fajita with fresh pico de gallo,received beans, sour cream and carrots

Of all of those delicious meals, my favorite was the spinach and pepper quiche. I jotted down a few thoughts after I had that one. I noted that it was something I probably would have never tried. I’m a very picky eater so I was really stepping out of my comfort zone. Lol! But it was delicious! The quiche had great flavor and I could taste a hint of smokiness. It only took a few minutes to heat it in the microwave and the green beans were perfect! It was as if I had picked them fresh from the garden, washed them and steamed them right then and there. They were so FRESH! The sausage link is one of the best I’ve tasted! And I’ve been a hog farmer my whole life so I know good meat! 

My second favorite meals were a tie between the tuna salad and the chicken fajita. I absolutely love Mexican food and this fajita was amazing! I could taste all of the rich flavors, from the cilantro to the chicken. The tortilla shell was whole grain and delicious! It was way better than those I’ve tried from the local grocery store. The pico was fresh and tasted like it was authentic Mexican cuisine! (I snuck a few carrots before I snapped the pic)

The tuna salad was a huge portion! It had great flavor just like what my momma makes with a hint of red pepper. It was a nice twist on a traditional favorite of mine. My kids had a bit of it and loved it too!


So my photography skills are lacking, I know. Haha! But I just want to say that these meals are perfect for someone with a busy schedule. The trays are the perfect size for my lunchbox that I take to work and they heat well and dont warp. 

Final thoughts:

Would I recommend this to my family or friends? Absolutely! They are phenomenal! 

Were the portion sizes reasonable? Yes! I’m a person that generally saves half of whatever I order from restaurants. So I don’t usually have large portions at a time but these were more than I usually eat. I actually shared some of them with my husband (and he LOVED them too!) 

How did you feel about the low carb option? I loved the low carb options! I generally try to eat low carb and I’m always looking for new ideas. A lot of times when I order a low carb option, the seasoning is lacking and not very flavorful. These meals were seasoned very well. And I suspect tell they were prepared by a real chef! It was like having my own personal chef! Haha! 

Overall I was very pleased with my trial and thought everything was fresh and delicious! Give them a try!

https://m.diettogo.com/

Find your happy place

This morning has been beautiful. My kids are still sleeping and I was able to wake up with sunshine flooding in and then take some much needed “me” time out on the patio. Here’s a visual in case you need it 


I love everything about this space in the morning. The shade from the sun, the puffy clouds, the kitties and doggies and even the tractor within view. I love being out here when there is a nice breeze and no where to be. 

As I was browsing Instagram I ran across this caption 


Wow. The part where she says she keeps PUTTING HERSELF in negative spaces just really spoke to me. How many times have we done that and didn’t even realize we were going there? I don’t know how many times I’ve been laying at the pool, soaking up the sun and my book and saw some attractive woman walk by in her bikini and put my mind in a negative space. Or the last time I was in the grocery store and felt bad for my purchases because I had put myself in a negative space. The worst one I do though to myself is when I allow myself to be present and engaged in conversations around me that are not positive. Therefore I am putting myself in that negative place again. 

A few months ago I realized that I was not going to pursue that “under 200 lb” goal that I had set for myself. I knew that that wasn’t what I wanted out of this life. Not necessarily the size but the lifestyle that I would have to choose to go alongside it. It wasn’t for me. I wasn’t willing to go low carb/no carb and work out twice a day to maintain my weight loss. I had chosen a different option and decided to accept whatever consequences came with that. When I did that, I chose to unfollow every single fitness related account on Instagram and Facebook that didn’t align with that thinking. I didn’t want to follow the ones that were bragging about protein shakes and decreasing pants sizes. I wanted to follow real women that were embracing their bodies for what they were and what they could do for them. These same women had beautiful light surrounding them and I was pulled to their pages. In making that choice to pull away from anything that wasn’t positive I allowed that light to fill myself. I took the power back and I chose to feel good about myself. I chose to do yoga as a way to center my mind and align my body. I used it as a tool to set myself up for happiness. 

So looking back I am so glad I removed myself from those negative spaces. There are still so many negative spaces that I need to work on but I feel that just being conscious and meditating on some of them is a start. There will be times that we cannot avoid them and they’ll always be there. But your headspace is only as positive or negative as you let it be. 

Today’s challenge for you is to find your happy place. Give yourself permission to stay there a while and soak it all in. You are absolutely worth it in this moment, at this time, regardless of your body size. 

I just love this Dr. Seuss quote. “You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose.” 

Transparent Tuesday

I have been feeling very compelled to blog lately. I don’t know exactly how to put my thoughts to words so I’m going to just pour it all out here and hope it isn’t just word vomit. Lol! 

I had previously thought I wanted to lose weight and be smaller and work really hard to be “healthy” and do what I thought the doctors wanted for me. When really I want to be able to eat what I want and teach yoga, staying active and the weight miraculously fall off. Well that’s not gonna happen. Ha! So I’m trying to just find this place where I am happy and healthy. I don’t want to gain any weight, and let’s be honest Ive maintained my weight for over a year so I don’t think that’ll be a problem as long as I don’t binge and I stay active. 

So total transparency, over the course of the past month that I’ve been weighing weekly I have been from 239-242. I dont think that’s anything to get my panties in a bunch about. In fact, maybe I should just measure my body and then revisit those measurements in a few months. That is probably the most accurate way to see change. Either way, if I’m being honest, I am truly happy in my own skin. 

At the pool the other day I had a fleeting thought “maybe I shouldn’t sit this way. People will see my rolls.”  Then I thought “eff that! People see my body in all it’s glory every.single.day when I’m teaching yoga and I don’t think twice about it.” That’s leads me to my next point. We don’t see our bodies the same way everyone else does. We don’t see ourselves talk. We don’t see how we look when we drive. We don’t see how theback of our hair looks. We don’t live our lives in front of mirrors or on video (at least most of us don’t). So why are we always trying to hide behind skinny trees? 

What I’m saying is, I have tried to hide for far too long and I’ve been miserable. My happiest moments have been spent being in the moment, clearing my mind of any negative bullshit and feeling every moment for what it is. 

I can’t imagine the misery people feel trying to hide or tug or pull their clothes. I can’t imagine the negative uneasy feelings people have when they don’t want to be seen. This is just your body. Your true self really is on the inside. You don’t wear it like an outfit. You live it with your actions. 

Here’s my transparent Tuesday photo. 


This is me in my nightgown, hair a mess, tan lines, messy room, unmade bed and a pop tart in my belly. This is my life right now. I taught two yoga sculpt classes back to back last night and I held poses that I couldn’t do 6 months ago AND taught them to people! What the what?!? 

So I could be sitting here feeling all down and out that the scale hasn’t moved. Or I could be moving forward and living my life happily ever after. I choose happy.  Do things that make you happy. 

Yesterday’s class mantra is really my life mantra. Strong mind, strong body, beautiful heart. Have a lovely Tuesday friends. 

Thirty two days

So I didn’t share anything Monday on my actual “weigh day” for lots of reasons. Number 1, I didn’t feel like it. I had a day off and I was tired. I had heard some terrible sad tragic news from the day before that didn’t directly impact my life but it made me incredibly sad and I ate away my feelings that day. So I knew Mondays weigh in would be bad. Number 2, I really needed to process the weight gain. Yep you read that right. I gained 1.8 lbs. 


It’s ok though. Because I started my period today! That is exactly 32 days between cycles. And maybe it’s breakthrough bleeding, maybe it’s spotting or old blood or whatever. But I’m calling THAT a win folks! I’m pretty sure that 1.8 lbs is because of Aunt Flo getting ready to make her appearance and the pop and chips I had Sunday. 

So I’m not beating myself up. In fact a good friend of mine made the comment 

“I have been diagnosed with PCOS, too, and it’s such a downer. I think it helps to adopt a more holistic view of health. In this country, we are so quick to equate thinness and health, when that is not an accurate measure of health at all. At my smallest weight, my hair fell out and I didn’t have a period for 9 months. That’s not healthy. Instead of “What do I weigh?” being the main (or only) question I ask to evaluate my health, I have added some others to the list. How much energy do I have to do the things I love? Am I fueling my body well? Am I treating food like a reward or exercise like a punishment? How am I sleeping? How does my body respond to illness? How am I handling stress? All of those responses have way more to do with my health than the number on the scale. Good health involves so much more than being thin. Kudos to you for pursuing overall health and wholeness and for bringing others along on the journey!”

And yes I had to quote her because she is ABSOFREAKINGLOUTELY RIGHT! All of these things that we should be using to gauge our health are being forgotten because of our obsession with the scale. So I plan to weigh weekly to stay on track, I am NOT going to let that take control. I’m going to keep pushing forward for my health. I will continue to make good rating choices, take my supplements, and exercise often. 

Speaking of exercise, today I took a picture of myself in a pose that I struggled with for years to celebrate my accomplishments in yoga and I didn’t hate myself. I embraced and honored every single curve of my body. I valued the muscles that were prominent and sculpted and I celebrated the beautiful shape that I can contort my body into. Yoga is beautiful and I am grateful every single day for what it has taught me and helped me overcome. 


– namaste

Pcos is the devil

I went to see an endocrinologist a week ago and I’m still reflecting on that visit. I’ve been busy and haven’t really had any time to put any cohesive thoughts together but I felt really drawn to share my experience because PCOS is such an awful disease that is so hard to understand and treat. In fact it’s so hard that my regular nurse practitioner (at the ob/gyn office) took 3 visits over the course of a year before she finally admitted to me that we’ve done everything that she knows and she was basically stumped. So I begged her for a referral and thankfully she went with it. 

Now in searching for one, I went to the website for my insurance and found one that was a woman, that my insurance took and that was fairly close to home. I found one in Quincy,Il. I have family there and thought it would be a pretty good choice since their facilities seem pretty current and updated. I was quite wrong. 

Let me go backwards a little bit. I was diagnosed formally with pcos in 2000 and treated with birth control and told to loose weight. That was it. Nothing more. Guess what?!? In 2017…17 years later I was told the exact SAME thing! How can medicine not have advanced much in 17 years for those with pcos. I was so frustrated and angry. I ugly cried right there in that little office when she handed me an outdated flyer that had been photocopied so many times it was blurry and spotted with black ink. I told her “I live in a world that is promoting health and wellness and I just cannot do it anymore in this big body”. Do you know what she said? “It sounds like you could benefit from a visit with a dietician. Would you like us to set you up an appointment?” I’m pretty sure she really should have feared for her life at that moment but she was completely oblivious to the hurricane swirling inside my mind and my body. I took her paper, grabbed a handful of Kleenex , held my beet face high and kept my cool as I left her office, defeated once again by lack of knowledge of this disease. I held it together until I hit the car and the storm raged. Looking back I feel pretty bad for Tim because he tried. He really tried to console me but I was beyond that. I was done. I was so pissed at the medical community and you know, maybe I just haven’t found the right doctor to help me. Maybe there truly isn’t any new research. Maybe this is simply the unknown result of our crappy diets and lack of exercise for so long. I don’t know.

What I do know is that I’ve lost the weight before. I’ve been a slave to my diet before. I’ve lived off low carb/high fat before. I’ve worked out at high intensity twice a day before. I’ve fasted for 18 hours a day before. I’ve seen a holistic type doctor before. It was miserable and unsustainable. I want a lifestyle change that I can live with for the rest of my life. I wanted blood tests and actual fact based results. I wanted something definitive and tangible. I wanted to make a change for the better but I’m stuck. I didn’t know where else to turn. And that endocrinologist failed me. I’m still waiting on that office to call me with an appointment for blood work. I think I might be a grandma someday still waiting on that one. 

So enough being bitter. Enough of the pity party. I’ve allowed myself a week to ruminate and now I’ve decided to get on with the inevitable. Bottom line is that I truly do need to lose weight. Life would be so much easier in a smaller body. I have bought a book and researched my little heart out and I’m hoping to follow the “rules”. 


So here’s where this beautiful blog comes into play. I plan to blog my progress and share a picture of the scale every Monday. This will hold me accountable and hopefully give me a little something to look back on in future months to show me how far I’ve come. 


Here’s day 1 (again for the 5th time at least). Here are my rules:

1. Choose low carb options on a 90/10 rule. 90% of my diet in a week is low carb, 10% is not. 

2. No pop…ever. It’s like liquid death to my body and is just empty calories and sugar. Terrible for those with pcos. It causes inflammation and your system to go haywire. 

3. Don’t stress over exercise. I’m teaching 7 classes and 2 private yoga sessions a week. That’s surely enough exercise. I’m not going to even plan anything on top of that. 

4. Here’s my medicine and supplement regimine. AM: biotin 10,000 mcg, D3, 400 iu, B12 500mcg, metfpormin 500 mg, and my breo inhaler. PM: 2 fish, flax, and borage oil, zinc 50 mg, 1000mg metformin, and my allergy medicine. (Keep in mind the supplements were not prescribed by a doctor. This was something that I read in that book and I’m trying in conjunction with the diet changes). 

5. Weigh weekly on Monday’s and record it. 
I just want to end this post with these final thoughts. I know that this will not cure pcos but I’m doing it in hopes of calming or eliminating the symptoms completely. It is miserable to carry 50+ pounds of extra weight in your abdomen and boobs when you teach yoga classes or ride a bike. It is so scary when your hair falls out in clumps but you have peach fuzz starting to grow along your jawline. It is downright awful when you go for 6+ months without a period and take multiple pregnancy tests to find out that yet again, pcos has stolen your fertility. It is unmanageable when your body finally decides to shed the uterine lining after months and you can’t leave the house for a week because it’s so heavy. And I could go on and on but those are my main symptoms and I really just want a good life. I am happier than I’ve been in years and despite the pcos, I’m healthy. My blood pressure is the lowest it’s ever been, my annual blood work results have shown near perfect numbers, my mental health is like a blooming flower. I feel great otherwise. I just want to have control over my symptoms. 

So with all that said, I share my story here to hopefully stay accountable and help others feel like they’re not alone in this horrible disease. I can’t let it win. I have too much going for me. 

Christmas decorations 

I have a confession to make. I have three huge totes of beautiful clothes stacked in my basement disguised as Christmas decorations. See photos for proof:




They’re all too small for me but I used to wear them. I am so ashamed to admit all this because I want everything to seem just peachy but I have gained 10 lbs in the past year. I am the heaviest I’ve been in 3 years and while everything in my life seems to be going for me, this little ugly part of me is just killing me slowly. 

I tried to stay happy and positive and I was promoting body positivity and all the while I haven’t been very comfortable in mine. Yesterday I had to talk myself out of a panic attack while driving because my bra was pulling into my neck because the weight of my boobs and my shirt just felt so tight I thought I was suffocating! It was one of the worst feelings I’ve had in years. I don’t know if it was another “rock bottom” moment but I’m sure scared of what could be coming if I don’t make some huge changes. 

A little update on my life: I’m taking classes to become a yoga instructor and I’m loving them! I’m so enthusiastic about teaching positivity and self love through that outlet and I’m soaking up every single morsel of info that I can about that. My schedule is nuts between training and classes and my kids schedules and my other two jobs. So I just quit one of them. It was painfully obvious that my time there was done. My last day was two days ago. 

Since then I’ve literally been walking circles in my house and living my life on Facebook and petting my dog. I have felt triggers coming on and I have journaled and tried my best to tackle them head on but I’m scared shitless. February has always been a very tough month for me and I’m so scared it’s going to hit me hard and I’m going to lose my mind. 

To be honest I’m not who I want to be right now and I don’t know if I have the ambition or will power to become her. Right now I lay in bed after the kids get on the bus and play on my phone. I eat a huge bowl of shredded wheat for breakfast and hope it keeps me full til supper so I’m not tempted to binge. I watch tv and journal and make to do lists that I half ass do and then act like I have been fairly productive. I don’t want to fall into that rabbit hole. I don’t want to cry every day and eat Lays potato chips until my ankles swell from all the salt and I can’t sleep from the caffeine that I’ve closet drank. 

I want to thrive dammit! I want to get dressed in the morning. I want to do my yoga and journal and sip some tea. I want to make a to do list while I catch up on a bit of social media and then I want to just tackle it. I want to make the most of my days and be happy when Tim gets home from work with a supper lovingly made and ready for him. I want to be perky and pretty and looking nice in case someone just pops by. I want to be motivated and positive and full of this beautiful blue energy. Instead I’m seeing reds and blacks when I close my eyes. 

Those clothes in my basement had been forgotten until today. It’s my brothers birthday and I wanted to wear something different than my same old stuff to his birthday dinner. So I found a little courage to open them and I hope it will help motivate me to do better. To maybe lose 10-20 lbs in the next few months. Those clothes are beautiful and they reminded me of the times I was floating on air. There was a gray tank top that was an XL that I wore at my 30th birthday party and it brought back so many memories of my confidence and spunk and the friends I had at my party who loved me and thought I was pretty fun to be around. I’m not really sure people feel that way now. I feel like maybe I’ve pushed them all away. Maybe I’ve turned too much inward. Maybe winter is just hard to get out and socialize. Maybe maybe maybe…

Now that I’ve confessed these things on my internet diary, I can grow. I feel like I can try to do better. I feel like the size I was when I wore those clothes isn’t so far away. Maybe I can count down how many workouts I’ll need to fit in them. Or how many days I’ll have to eat low carb or cut out pop and sugar. It can be done. I just need to take better care of myself and put me first again. I want to truly love myself again. Once that happens, everything else will fall into place. 

About last night…

So it’s been months since my last binge. I honestly can’t remember the last time I sat down and binge ate until I was sick. So that is huge progress. I feel like a recovering addict some days except my drug of choice is absolutely necessary to live-food. 

With that said, I’m sure if you’ve been reading my blog you’ll know I’m not on a “diet plan” or specific “workout routine”. I’m living my life and honoring my body along the way. I am working towards sustaining a healthy lifestyle and enlightenment and happiness. In the beginning of this crazy journey, I was under this delusion that I was doing everything the “right way” and that losing 40 lbs in 2 months was fantastic! When really I was working out twice a day and really restricting calories and carbs. Would I go back and change anything? Absolutely not. The lessons I learned in those 2 years of my life will forever be imprinted on my brain. Every experience, every binge, every guilty feeling, every new day, start over, detox, reset, hard workout…they were all experiences to teach me something. Every one of them taught me that I am in control. They taught me that I make my own choices and I choose whatever happiness or success I attain. 

So back to last night. I was spiraling. In fact, I’ve been spiraling for a good two weeks now. Life gets hard sometimes. Things happen that are out of your control. People hurt you, sometimes intentionally. My old coping mechanism would be to binge. I would consume thousands of calories, stretch my stomach to the point of aching and go to bed for days sometimes. I would curl into the fetal position with poison in my belly and beg my husband to just be there for me. 

Last night I could feel it…I was on the verge of landing hard after this downward spiral. I knew I was going to blow. I cried over muddy dog prints on the carpet. I cried because I missed my brother. I cried because I just wanted a nice calm Christmas with my dads pancakes. I cried because I miss my cousins and aunts and uncles that I didn’t get to see last weekend. I cried because my heart hurt and my brain was full of ping pong balls bouncing around and I couldn’t quiet it. I talked it out a bit with Tim, my dad on the phone and then my mom on the phone. It helped a little bit. But what helped the most was drinking a tall glass of cold water and just going to bed. 

I didn’t realize until I woke up today with a growling stomach what I had accomplished last night and I wasn’t even aware that I had done it. I had conquered the binge beast without even batting an eye! All of my experiences up to now had been grooming me for that moment. Every hard lesson was leading up to this monumental moment. Last night was the first time in probably a year that I had to face those demons and accept those awful painful feelings. Up until then everything had been easily manageable and I felt great. 

So I guess this post is to share my triumph. It may not seem like much to some people. But my own strength amazes me daily. And I am proud. 

Big news to share!

So I wanted to take a little time and share something in this little space on the interwebs for the few people that read this crazy online diary of mine. I will start out with the big news and then I’ll just ramble. How does that sound? Haha!

My big news is that in the spring, I will be a certified yoga instructor! Great stuff, right?!? I’m pretty excited to share my knowledge with others and my passion for what has literally changed my life. I just completed the second module last night and I am ridiculously proud of myself. 

The first day of classes was a month ago and I was almost paralyzed with fear, sitting in my car in the parking lot, posting a vague Facebook status begging for encouragement. And I took that first step, got out of the car with my heart literally aflutter and went in. I joined the group, I did my best, and I grew. My heart was exactly where it was supposed to be. So then after that first module a month ago, I came home and worked on some things and tried to become an even better version of myself. I set daily intentions. I practiced yoga more often than I ever had. I truly dove in head first into the mindset of the practice. When I started this second module this past weekend, I felt pretty confident and not so much like a beginner. After this weekend was over, I was literally overflowing with excitement. I came home and showed my kids some new poses I learned. I bubbled over chatting with my husband until he fell asleep while I was still chattering. I went to sleep with a new warmth in my heart. 

I want to explain my new plan for life so maybe someone else can benefit from my advice. I have no intentions of losing 40 lbs in 2 months like I did 3 years ago. I have my doubts that I will even lose 40 lbs in the next year. I know that I will not be the stereotypical “yoga instructor body” that you see all over tv. And trust me, I’ve gotten some mean looks and words when I’ve announced my intentions. I accept that this small town mindset of the world is very closed off from accepting others who appear different. I’m ok with that. I have prepared my mind the best I could for those negative judgements. I have not had much support in this endeavor and I have come to terms with that. But mark my words, when people see that I have something they want, they will be curious and they will start asking questions and they will want in on what they think is my little secret. And guess what?!? I WILL SHARE IT WITH THEM!!! Isn’t that great? 

So in conclusion I want you to know that I’m in a good place right now…a great place actually. I am healthy. I am strong. I am capable. And I am happy. 

Untitled

I’ve had a lot of things on my mind the past several months since I’ve posted here. So I decided to just list my thoughts in bullet form so that this post can stay semi organized. 
– I don’t want to lose weight just to lose weight. I want to truly become the best version of myself. And maybe the best version of myself happens to be 240 lbs. maybe it is 200 lbs or maybe it’s 265 lbs. No matter what the numbers on the scale or the numbers on the tape measure, I will always measure my health by how I feel. 

– This blog used to be a safe place. I used to be able to write and write and write about all of my thoughts and feelings. And the truth is, I have to be more guarded now. I have to protect my heart and keeping some of my feelings inside and internalize them in a healthy way is what I feel is right for me. I used to eat away my feelings or exercise away my frustrations. Or I used to hyperfocus on eating just a certain way and I ended up being miserable. The overplanning and overthinking and over analyzing was literally driving my further into the hole, all while telling myself that it was making me better. 

– I have taken a sacred vow to honor my body. I am currently working towards becoming a yogi. Part of our training is learning our bodies and honoring them. We are also learning that every body is very very different but also sort of the same. But each person is unique. Each day I ask myself several times, is this honoring my body? Is drinking a Mountain Dew a day honoring my body? Is sitting for hours watching Reign or American Horror Story honoring my body? Is eating just until I’m comfortable honoring my body? The point is, I truly want to honor my body. I don’t want to push it beyond its limits or to a point where I will injure it. I also do not want to be sick from eating tomatoes or peppers or from overeating. I am making choices all the time about honoring my body. 

– It is completely ok not to help people with their weight loss journeys. It is ok to tell people good luck ad that’s it. I do not have to help people unless they specifically reach out to me and seek help, and even then, I am NOT obligated to do that. I do not owe anything to anyone. I am not responsible for other people’s happiness and or health. I have been working on allowing myself some truth and grace. 

That’s enough rambling for now. I don’t know if or when I will write again. I just had some thoughts to put down and wanted to record them somewhere. Technology is a beautiful thing sometimes. Good night!