The Diary of a Hopeful Fat Girl

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Sugar free and cobwebs in the cupboard

Random title huh? Haha! I have been trying to wrap my brain around a blog post for weeks now. I wanted it to be clever and maybe funny and noteworthy. But I’m just going to attack it head on and hope no one cares about my ramblings. 

I started June out with a 10 day sugar detox. With the help and support of my cousin who is vegan, I managed to go 12 days without sugar!!! Can you believe it! In my heart, I had really hoped to go 21 days, cheat a little and then go back to it indefinitely. Something happened after 12. Life got busy and I didn’t plan. I will tell you honestly, that detox might’ve been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. When au gratin potatoes are smelling up the whole daycare and the sweet cook offers you treats, it about did me in. I refused her goodies on several occasions and felt like a royal ass. But I survived it. And it left me 7.5 lbs lighter and 2 inches smaller. The results were phenomenal and I was convinced that sugar was my drug addiction. I still stand firmly planted on that statement. But I am and probably always will be a recovering food addict. I started to make poor choices, I started another affair with the devil drink and I started wearing stretchy pants and popping stool softeners like candy. Truthfully, I know I need to do better. I know I can. But I still need to decide to just do it. 
4 days ago, I had a real actual surgery in a hospital to have some glass taken out of my toe that had been there 8 months. Yep, you read it right…8 months! It was another bump in the road. Now I’m sitting here with my 6 stitches on the bottom of my toe and my legs reclined with an ice pack because I’m battling some embarrassing swelling in my ankles from working a 10 hour days yesterday in the nursery on my feet. Thank goodness I’m able to rest and recover today. 

So what I’m trying to say is that life is happening all around me. Do I really want to pull myself out of the mix and focus just on me? Or do I want to live fully immersed with my kids/husband, my work and my life? I need to find that balance. Looking back, I’ve been fighting this fight with my weight for a good solid 3 years now and I can honestly say, I’ve been all or nothing in it. In the beginning, I didn’t have a job and my kids were both in school. I didn’t have a single responsibility besides keeping house and chauffeuring kids. Now I work two jobs, occasionally take photos still, run to ball games nearly every day and try to run a household halfway decent. I am busier than ever and I’m not sure I want to spend the next decade watching it all from the sidelines. I love watching my kids play ball. I love caring for those sweet babies at daycare. I love having my husband be my partner in this new routine and working together with him on managing this house. When I pull back and focus on me, I feel incredibly selfish. 
I read an article on Facebook the other day titled I’m not the woman you married. Every word in that article was me. Ian absolutely not the woman Tim married. I’m like a manager of this house. Do you know I ripped him a new on the other day over throwing away a $10 frog tog thingie? I was furious because I was not consulted about that decision. Do you know what I was doing? Sleeping off an approaching panic attack before it consumed me. I went to bed at 7:45 that night after crying over everything to Tim. While I was sleeping, he was working on cleaning the kitchen. And I was awful to him. He deserves better from me. My kids deserve more from me. I deserve more from myself. Do I think that adding 30 minutes of exercise a day is going to help our situation? Probably not. Will it make things better if I’m hyper focused on eating sugar free or paleo or vegan or whatever? I really doubt it. So why rock the boat? Why turn myself into something or someone that might not really improve my household or situation? 
That’s the question I keep asking myself. What can I do to make my life better? That is what I plan to meditate and pray on for the next few weeks. Things are slowing down, ball games are about over. Summer school will be out Friday. I’m planning to focus and prioritize my life so that it gets better and not worse. Maybe I’ll clean those cobwebs out of my cupboard. Maybe I won’t. Either way, I’m still a good person with good intentions just doing the best I can with this life God gave me. 

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Vacation

So as I wrote this I am sitting on a beach on the Gulf of Mexico watching the waves (and jellyfish) come in. I’m on vacation with my family. But let’s be real honest for a minute I’ve been on vacation from myself for about a year. I haven’t really been trying like I should. I haven’t been exercising nor have I been eating well. I’ve been facing some really harsh realities too. 

1. I will have to fight for this my ENTIRE life. 

2. My metabolism is really not doing well and statistically, it will be bad my whole life now that I’ve lost a significant amount of weight at some point. 

3. I was really happy. I have not had a single manic, depressive or anxiety attack in years. It’s hard to want to fight for your life when your life actually feels pretty good for a change. 

4. My life has gotten extremely busy and I did not make diet and exercise a priority. 

5. Most of the people and blogs I follow online have had weight loss surgery OR are single without kids and super young. I  don’t really relate to them anymore. 
So before I even went on this real vacation I had decided to try again. I have set a goal to lose 20 lbs this summer and summer has begun. I will weigh in on Tuesday after Memorial Day and I will be accountable for my actions. 
Goodbye from Florida! Hope to write again when I’m back in MISSOURI!

Two weeks

So two weeks now I have *mostly* been following a low carb/high fat & protein diet. Two nights ago I did something stupid…I weighed AFTER a long 10 hour day at work caring for babies. Yep…I’m an idiot. A week before that I weighed at 233.6. Which was a 3.4 lb loss in one week! I was ecstatic! But then that after work weigh in about did me in. At 235.7 I thought my hard work was ruined. I was angry and honest to goodness decided to just starve myself. Tim offered to make supper and I refused every bite. I sat in the sunroom a tear streaked mess and pouted like a toddler. I told Tim I wasn’t taking another bite because I was afraid I wouldn’t stop eating. It was a horrible mess to be in. And you know what u did an hour later? Ate a half bag of chips and raided the kids’ Easter candy. I was so over ever trying to lose weight again. I have struggled this past week with clothes fitting right and bras leaving my ribs bruised to the point of tears. Too many nights to count, I have come home from work, stripped my clothes off and just laid naked with absolutely nothing touching me. I felt like every single neuron in my body was on fire!

The reason I share all this is because it’s been an awful two weeks but it taught me something. In all of this I have learned I’m truly doing what’s right for my body. Do you know I’ve slept over 8 hours every.single.night?!? My eczema has cleared up after a consistent carb detox. I have unintentionally removed processed foods from my diet and my body is happier! My mind might’ve struggled a bit with the changes but my body was doing the happy dance. And you know, even if it felt like I went backwards, I still came out of this experience 2 lbs lighter! I saw the scale go DOWN! That’s amazing and hasn’t happened in ages! I have hope and I will carry on! 
I laid in bed this morning overthinking how I could fit 30 minutes of exercise in my daily routine and truth is, I really can’t. I need my sleep, I need my work, I need to provide meals and support to my family. I will do my very best to get in 30 “active” minutes on my Fitbit each day though. I have been doing fairly well in that area already but I can do better. I don’t have to run, or row, or ride my bike, or do a workout video. All I will shoot to get is 30 total active minutes each day. They don’t even have to be consecutive minutes. This, I can do. 
Never give up, has been my motto and after spending some time reflecting, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I will keep being awesome every day and I refuse to let a grumpy evening get me down. I have so many things on my side and it’s too late to start counting failures over victories. 

A day at work

So today at work our daycare director was going around snapping photos of our cute kiddies to post on our Facebook page. I tried my dangedest to get out of the shots but somehow she still managed to get me in one of them. And truthfully, she snapped one of my most vulnerable features. I generally and ridiculously self conscious about my midsection. My belly has so much extra skin and when I sit down it just kinda piles up on my lap. My arms always look like fat stumps with hands just jammed on like play doh. I never thought I had pretty hands and wrists. I hated the way watches made me feel about my wrists. And let’s not even get started with my hateful relationship with my boobs! Gah! They’re so stupid. Why can’t they just disappear after we nourish our children? Jeez! My just managed to deflate and kind of just hang around guarding my belly button or something. Idk. Enough whining about how much I hate my midsection. Here’s the photo, cropped of course because I wouldn’t want to breach any privacy by showing you the gorgeous children I get to spend my days with. 
  

Yep. That’s me in all my glory, peeling my little cutie orange. And you know what? I don’t hate the way I look here. There I stand still weighing in around 230 but I am totally ok with that body I see. Those hands are graceful and strong. Those forearms show beauty and poses the strength to lift those 30 pound butterballs several times a day for kisses and loves. That belly that I used to see as so awful is practically nonexistent in this photo. And that thigh looks pretty slim too! 
In the past two weeks I have had 2 women that had not seen my weight or knew what I weighed guessed me at 185. I’ve struggled with making heads or tails of that info. The only conclusion that I can come to is that my body must carry a lot more muscle than I ever realized. Since muscle weighs more than fat, I must be really strong. I also have known how to dress this body for a long time. I pride myself on the ability to pick out flattering attire that accentuates my figure instead of squeezing it in. 
Enough of my bragging. I’m headed to shower and bed because those 11 babies wear a girl out! I’m going to close with this, no matter what you think your body looks like, you’re probably wrong. You are gorgeous in any shape or size. Your body will always be your vessel and the transportation device for your mind, heart and soul. Don’t lie to yourself and beat yourself down about your body image. I’m here to tell you that body acceptance is a real deal. Come to terms with it and you’ll be so much happier!

I’m scared…

I’m scared and I can’t do this anymore. What am i scared of? Seeing that god awful 240 number on the scale. Not fitting in my favorite pair of size 16 jeans again. Seeing my fat cheeks again. Feeling constricted and panicked in my own skin. Getting winded painting my toenails. Feeling like a slave to my food choices and a schedule. 

For almost a year, I have stopped focusing on myself and my health and it seemed fun at the time. I mean, I still feel pretty great actually. I don’t look at my nakedness and hate it. I feel like I’m strong and happy and loved more than ever. But something is missing. I never really found a beautiful balance in my healthy lifestyle. I never felt secure and in charge. I felt like my world could just spin around at any moment and I’d be stuck under the house in my sparkly shoes and striped stockings just like in the Wizard of Oz. 

My life is now starting its third week of more newness and change and I’m so scared. I want to be happy still. I want to stay strong. I don’t want to feel too much. I like to be in charge and it’s scary when feelings start creeping in. I have never really known how to channel feelings into healthy and beautiful things. I have been given some pretty amazing talents gifts and abilities. Why not put them to use when I start to get the feels? 

I know this post is rambling but I need to get these thoughts out of my head. This blog is my journal, my diary, my unbiased friend and my release. I will continue to use it that way. The fact that I have loving readers is a bonus. Haha!

What I’m trying to say is that I’m back at it. I hate when people post crap to get attention when they’re starting a new life change but tomorrow is day 1 of 21. They say it takes 21 days to form a habit so off I go! I’m taking it 21 days at a time and I will get back to my happy healthy place. I’m ready this time. 

Tonight I watched this video and it really hit me hard. I could have seriously wept while watching it because it’s a perfect metaphor for what’s been going on in my life. Have a look…

If for some reason you can’t view it, here’s a breakdown. At the beginning you see a beautiful gymnast nailing her flips and tumbles. As it goes on it talks about how many times she has fallen to achieve the perfection displayed in the first scene. It’s so brutal to watch her strong and beautiful body fall and be thrown down over and over again. It actually makes me wince in sympathy for her. 

You see the reason this metaphor is so touching to me is because I am that gymnast. I have nailed the flips. I have gracefully back handsprung in this weight loss journey. I have also flopped and flailed and ached and cried and been angry and thrown fits. And I’ve failed. I’ve failed miserably. And in that failure I have learned so many things. 

1. I will never be perfect. Although what you see on the outside may seem pretty darn perfect. I will never ever be perfect. 

2. I am pretty dang awesome. I am working on my third year of this HUGE lifestyle change and I am in better shape now at 31 than I ever was in my entire 20s. 

3. I never gave up. I kept practicing and perfecting and trying again. I will probably never get it right but I will get it right for me. 

4. There is always a fresh start to every day, week, month or year. You can start over again. 

5. My path is my own. No one will be there for me in the end but myself. I should not care one iota what others think of me or my demons or victories. This is my own journey. I’m going to keep on walking it. 

20 days

Today is January 20th and that means 20 days since I decided to try a ton of new things. I know on the last day of 2015 I poked some sarcastic remarks at people who decided to lose weight on that first day of the year. I honestly do believe that weight loss needs to start as soon as you feel that rock bottom moment. It needs to start whenever the time is right. I also do not feel that January 1st is the right time for 95% of the people that start snd therefore most of them fail. 

I am not going to share about weight loss today. I’m going to talk about other aspects of my life that I decided to take control of when January 1st hit. Today I celebrate 20 days of meal planning and successfully budgeting using the envelope system! Tim and I wanted to take control of our finances and really feel secure in that area of our life. The reason I share this on my weight loss blog is because it is a lot like losing weight. You have to plan ahead, set some goals, practice a lot of self control and give yourself grace. 

I have not been perfect with my money handling or my meal planning by any means this past month but I am definitely 100% better than I have ever been. 

Here’s a little run down if what I have been doing in case you’re interested. Tim gets paid every other Friday and I get paid scattered in the middle of those weeks. The weekend that he gets paid, Tim and I set down and figure bills that are due during the next two weeks. We subtract that from the paycheck. That gives us the number of money left over to budget. Next we make a list of any possible expenses that might be due in the next two weeks like kids lunch money, new tires, haircuts, eating out, groceries or a shopping trip. I then divide what money is left into those categories. I sometimes will make a fun money category where we can both have $20 to spend on whatever we want. That gives us permission to buy something that we don’t necessarily need but maybe just want. If there isn’t enough money to go around then we need to prioritize. 

After a budget has been established then I get my dry erase board, calendar, and list making materials and head to the kitchen. I take a quick inventory of what we have on hand and try to plan meals for the next two weeks. Then I make a grocery list based on what is needed to prepare those meals for the next two weeks only. 

I am proud to say that I have done extremely well in not overspending and impulse buying. I even went grocery shopping with the kids Monday and we didn’t buy a single thing that wasn’t on the list! I was quite proud of us. Now granted, this isn’t nearly as rewarding as losing weight but it has made my household run much more smoothly. And I feel like Tim and I are finally united and working on it together. 

Let’s hope I can continue to keep it up because it is ridiculously rewarding. I’ve been thinking of it like a game! I strongly suggest that you do your research and start planning in your own home. It reduces so much stress and anxiety for me. Hope you’re having a good snow day! 

Success is a twisted road

I’m succeeding. I’ve lost 3 lbs in 8 days and I’m doing exactly what u set out to do. But do you want to know how I feel? Awful. I’m angry at myself and I’m sad and I’m upset that I don’t look fabulous in clothes yet and I want to wear my favorite bra again and I want my pants to stop cutting into my flabby skin in front and I want to see the success. 

 But guess what??? It doesn’t work that way. This road to success is twisty and winding and sometimes there’s potholes and road closed signs and deer standing alongside it telling you to slow down. I’m questioning myself and my worth and my value. It’s an ugly cycle that I get into and it is literally a battle within my own mind. 

So here’s what I did. I stood stark naked in front of the mirror and forced myself to look me in my eyes and I had a dialogue. I pushed past my demons and I told myself what I would tell my best friend or my child or my husband. Because in those moments where my mind was getting so ugly, I had to come at it from a different perspective. I was honest to goodness tearing myself apart and that is seriously unacceptable. So here’s what I said, “Kristin, you are not allowed to give up. You are an amazing creature of God and you need to fill yourself with His spirit and let yourself see you how He sees you. Don’t let the ugliness kill your beauty. You have lost 3 lbs in 8 days! 8 days!!! How many other people trying to lose weight are standing on a scale today 3 lbs lighter? You will never see that number again. DO NOT GIVE UP. You are winning and you are succeeding and you are awesome. Never forget that.”  

I’m not perfect. But I’m absolutely worth it and I deserve to be where I want to be with my body. And you know what? Im going to get there 1 lb at a time, just like everyone else. Someone once told me that you put your pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else. It doesn’t matter that you’re pants are sweats and theirs are designer jeans. We all have to wear pants. 

New year, same me

*Warning! This post is full of sarcasm and tough love*
Yep. I said it. This year I will be the same me. Gasp! Did I really just say that?!? If you know me very well you know I despise doing something just because “everyone is doing it”. I literally hate to fall into marketing ploys and being forced to keep current with trends. That being said, yesterday and today my Facebook news feeds and Instagram feeds are full of this new year new me crap. It’s a big load of bull! I’m going to call every single person on it though come February when they’re whining around and not content with their “new me” that they didn’t properly prepare to become. What I mean to say is, if you’re going to become a new you for just a month or a day or even a single year, you should be prepared to tackle all of the challenges that come with it. I’ve compiled a quick list of things you’ll need to be prepared for.

1. You will NOT want to be this new you every.single.day. You will get so sick of this person you thought you wanted to become and you’ll probably give up. 

2. You will fail at least twice. You will relapse. You will binge eat on plain Lays potato chips. You will scarf 2 helpings of chocolate cake in the break room while everyone is working. You will skip your workouts for two+ weeks straight. Will you still feel like the new you after that? 

3. You will have to dig out your fat pants…again. So here’s the scenario, it’s March 15th and you had been bragging all over Facebook about losing 30 lbs a month ago and now you’re faced with tight, wiggling doesn’t do any good, I’m gonna die if I button these pants pants. So you cry, you beat yourself up and you dig your fat pants out and you cry some more. 

4. You will start to hate carrots and yogurt and almonds and lean chicken. The foods that you think are healthy and consume on a regular basis to get to your ideal size will become less and less appealing every single vicious crunch…

5. Lastly you will fall into your same old patterns over and over and you will start to hate yourself again. You will spend a few days beating yourself up about it and then you’ll rationalize that you are fine. That you like the way you look. You will convince yourself that you’re not that unhealthy. And you’ll become that same person you were the previous year on December 31st. 
Here’s my best advice to stop that ridiculous cycle…just stop doing it.  It’s plain and simple. Realize that you’re awesome just the way you are and that dieting and exercising and losing 30 lbs is NOT going to make you happy unless you CHOOSE to be happy. Because I can speak from experience…I have literally worked my ass off for the past 2 1/2 years and no matter how many lbs I lost, I just wasn’t happy. You know what made me happy? Choosing to step back, soak my life in and choosing to see the glass as half full instead of half empty. 

Here I am at 228 lbs wearing a size 18 comfortably and feeling the best of my life and I haven’t exercised in 3 weeks. Want to know my secret? I make a choice every single day. 

Choose to be healthy. Choose to eat 14 cupcakes. Choose to run a marathon. Choose to become a firefighter. Choose to go back to school. Choose to filter your Facebook feed. Just for Pete’s sake, do something. January 1st, 2016 isn’t going to save you only you can save you!  But you can make damn sure, if I see you running on the treadmill January 1st for the first time ever, I’m going to cheer you on because YOU are awesome and I want you to be happy. Everyone deserves to be happy. 

  

Let me paint a picture for you. It’s not a pretty one. In fact it’s downright ugly and sad and depressing. Its rating outside, the house reeks of burnt bacon grease and you enter a bedroom. On the bed is 8 stacks of clothes, several trash bags and a very sad overweight person who is mentally trying her best to claw her way out of this hole. 

That person is me. I’m struggling so bad and I am so upset and frustrated with myself. I’ve been lying to myself for weeks and putting in half assed work and expecting miracle results. I have been struggling so bad with this new life schedule and Tim’s new hours and trying to be happy and finding that inner peace and it’s just not working. 

I have been trying to reflect on what worked in the beginning and I have decided to get there again. I am not in the right mindset to blog about this new plan but for today, I’m going to do my best to get through it and mentally prepare. I’m going to sort these clothes into trash bags labeled 200 and 190. That is the weight I will have to get to to pull these bags out again. I’m removing all of this negativity and trying my best to stop dragging myself down. I’m only keeping clothes in my closet and drawers that makes me happy to wear. I know that has limited my wardrobe drastically but it’s been really weighing me down. I need to feel happy again. I crave that happiness and I hope to get back there in the next few weeks. I’m exhausted from thinking myself into circles.